Eshteemed friends, I have the great honor to present to you today the latest most respected most highly pooblished most acclaimed expert on atmosshperic everysing, the eminent:
Herr Docktor Mr. Alkes P. Midity. The lasht remaining employee of the Department of Environment Regulation and Protection (not including of course the Vroom Vroom Cleaning Girrls).
By all the laws of physics plus all the looks of quissics it seemed that Many in the assembly had never heard of the upcommer scientist.
WHO? shouted a number in the audience. WHO? WHO? Who’s Midity?
HOO HOO HOO MIDITY? began a rumbling rolling chorus.
When this chant fizzled the audience began anew:
Does he got no liquidity?
This Professa Hoo Midity?
Got no liquidity Professa Hoo Midity?
Got no liquidity Professa Hoo Midity?
Got no liquidity Professa Hoo Midity?
Someone shouted “Ah go back to Flatbush Professa. This aint Noo Joisey”
The Master of Seramonies settled the crowd down.
“Yas, exactly so my thriends, Who Midity? Indeed. Who? By the chin chin chin of my licey dicy beard, Herr Professor Doktor Who Midity”.
Thunderous applause. The audience was warming up, expectant.
Vat’s the latest Herr Docktor?
The latest HAIR? latest HAIR? The audience picked up the chant.
HAIR, HAIR HAIR?
Givus the latest Givus the latest
Givus Givus
Givus the latest
At last the diminutive man stood up and approached the lectern. Searching through the pockets of his weskit :
“My Glosses, my glosses. Vere are my glosses?
Can somevun just please help me find my glosses?”
“Professa, Professa they’re caught in your BEARD” howled the audience.
Hare them, hare them , others chimed “They’re caught in your Beard Professa.
Your glossses professa.
Your glossses.
Your glossses. Your glossses.
You can’t take such losses.
Then the chant switched to :
Midity Midity The Beast of Timidity
Midity MidityThe Prince of Stoopidity
Midity Midity The Stoop of Perfidity.
Finally this chant too petered out. Audience members started to text each other on their devices. Their phones. Their watches. Their Nostril Misters.
Their APPLE™ gear shifters. Their META™ virtual assholes.
“Where are you?
“I’m at a weirdo convention. Don’t know how I got here. I was going to a Harbor Freight Might Work Might Fly Apart Chainsaw Demo but went off course. Over. Ten Four. This place is fulla weirdos.”
A hush fell over the hall. The Professa cleared his throat. Then in a resolute voice he declared:
“Fromige”.
Huh? 50 thousand people texted each other.
“Fromige” the Professa repeated. And then, his voice gaining resolution:
“Fromige Frimage Scromich Skrimmage “
Someone in the second row tried it on for size:
“Fromage Frimage Scromich Skrimmage”
The chant began echoing
“Fromage Frimage Scromich Skrimmage”
“Fromage Frimage Scromich Skrimmage”
“Fromage Frimage Scromich Skrimmage ”
“Fromage Frimage Scromich Skrimmage”
At last confusion, fatigue and boredoom started to seep over the crowd. People were fidgeting, looking around.
Then everything changed in an instant. From behind the lectern the Professa pulled out a Harbor Freight™ Might Work- Might Fly Apart Chainsaw and, like the President of Argentina, yanked on the cord revving the machine up, filling the stage with blue smoke and eardrum splitting 140 decibels.
The audience roared. People pulled out their devices and placed bets on whether the saw would last through the demo or fly apart. Smart money figured that this was really a Stihl™ Chainsaw disguised as a Harbor Freight™ to avoid bad publicity so the odds stacked in favor of the saw working.
But the smart bet was wrong this time, the chain flew off the saw at full throttle. Even Stihl saws can fly apart, where are they made anyway? Or maybe the Professa was out of his league or should have worn ear protection. He lost his glosses, he lost his beard, people in the front rows were painted red.
Da Forma Professa was taken out on a stretcha.
The audience howled with delight.
Professa Professa We luv you professa.
Professa Professa We luv you professa.
Professa Professa We luv you professa.
Professa Professa We luv you professa.
© 2025 Arthur Mole
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